The subject of grief and loss can be frightening for young people struggling with their own identities and philosophies.
It’s not easy for any of us to accept that all living things, including ourselves and those we love, will die. It’s difficult for us to think about this, let alone talk about it with our children.
Loss is affected by the accumulation of loss-related experiences we have had in our lifetime. Some of these may have involved death itself. Others, while seemingly minor, nonetheless resulted in real grieving –– the loss of a relationship, a separation or divorce in the family, loss of a favorite object, leaving an old home for a new one or the death of a beloved pet. These situations are frequently referred to as mini-deaths, and are definitely cause for grief.
The symptoms of grief can be prolonged and complicated, but are part of the normal recovery process, not a sign of weakness or mental illness. The more central the loss or the person was in the life of the bereaved, the more intensely the sense of loss will be experienced.
· The first reactions are often shock, numbness, bewilderment, disbelief and possibly denial for a time, even when the loss or death was anticipated.
· After a few days, numbness turns to intense suffering. Grieving persons feel empty. They often dream or have hallucinations in which the deceased is still alive.
· Physical symptoms of grieving are common and can include sleep disturbances, loss of appetite or increased appetite, headaches, shortness of breath, heart palpitations and occasionally dizziness and nausea.
· Young people may alienate others by becoming irritable, argumentative, withdrawn, or isolated; or by exhibiting a decline in their schoolwork and other activities. Most painful are feelings of guilt or remorse for having treated the deceased badly or having had angry thoughts about the deceased, or even “wished” the person dead.
Parents, wanting to protect their children, may try to avoid talking about the subject with them. How teenagers work through their grief depends largely on how family members and friends reach out to them. The more teens are encouraged to share their feelings, the more they will be able to cope with their loss. Acknowledging loss together, as a family, can give comfort and support even in the midst of pain and sorrow.
In his book, Talking About Death, A Dialog Between Parent and Child, Earl A. Grollman (Beacon Press, 1990), suggests the following guidelines for helping young people who have experienced death of a loved one.
· Take the word “death” off the taboo list. Allow it to become a concept that can be discussed openly.
· Understand that mourning and sadness are appropriate for people of all ages.
· Allow teens to release their emotions. Let them call their feelings by the rightful names, i.e., hurt, anger, sadness.
· Contact the school and inform them of the loss in the family; otherwise teachers may not understand any change in your teen’s grades.
· Seek help if you feel unable to deal with your teen during this crisis. There are times when even the best-informed and well-intentioned adult is simply inadequate.
· Don’t tell the teenager that he or she is now the man or woman of the house, or a replacement for the deceased.
· Don’t use stories or fairy tales as an explanation for the mystery of death.
· Don’t let your child believe that you have all the final answers, leave room for their doubts and differences of opinion.
· Don’t be afraid to express your own emotions of grief. Children need to receive permission from adults to mourn.
· Don’t forget to continue to give assurance of love and support.
Memorial services, funerals and burial services are important rituals where the bereaved receive comfort and support from friends and community. Attending these services can help the bereaved accept the reality of death and express sorrow. Opinions vary on the age at which children should attend funerals; some say 3, others 5, and still others 7. Teenagers should be encouraged to attend. All agree that the choice should be the child’s.
When should you seek professional counseling? Grieving persons, including children and adolescents usually return to near normal activity within a few months. The distinction between normal and abnormal mourning is determined by the intensity and the duration of the symptoms. The following signals may indicate that further advice or guidance should be sought:
If, after a few months, your teen:
· appears sad or depressed most of the time;
· exhibits prolonged irritability and moodiness;
· uses drugs or alcohol;
· experiences significant feelings of low self-esteem;
· frequently loses interest in formerly pleasurable activities;
· has a marked decline in grades or quality of schoolwork;
· continuously sleeps too much or too little or has frequent nightmares;
· persistently withdraws or becomes socially isolated.
If you think there is cause for concern, contact a family counselor, child psychologist or bereavement support group.
Remember, avoiding or denying feelings does not make them go away. Young people who can grieve with their families are better able to recover from the painful effects of their loss.
Resources begin on page 136, Web Sources on 165
